It's a love/hate relationship

Everyone knows I repel electronics, literally.  I've lost two digital cameras in bodies of water, one in an ice bucket, and two dropped on the floor.  One cell phone got left at Home Depot, one fell in a toilet, my laptop has chronic screen issues....and the list could go on.

Well, it seems I'm repelling against technology these days too.  Case in point: Facebook.  I've been a loyal Facebooker for over 3 years now and have spent countless hours (not an exaggeration) perusing people's profiles and whatnot.  Don't lie, you do it too.  The mighty Facebook Gods have revamped our profiles (about 100 times) yet again and I have to say, I'm not lovin' it.  Where's the frickin "dislike" button for your updates, Zuckerberg?!

There's a big bar on the side of my profile with random friends of mine, only some of which are "online" to chat so it makes no sense why they're over there, and then a FB style news ticker of *everything* my friends are doing.  I mean everything.  Like, I'm surprised at some point I haven't seen [Kelly has gone to the bathroom] scroll on the side of my screen.  Who the crap cares what every move your friends are making??  I don't want to know what one of my friend's friends thinks about a picture a total stranger posted, full of other total strangers.  And furthermore, why do I want everyone else to know what moves I'm making?!  I like to Facebook stalk in peace, thank you very much ;)  I know there's some random account or privacy setting hidden deep within the menu bars that will remove my actions from the news fee but you know what, I don't want to waste my time finding it!

I'm not happy with the new look of my homepage either.  There's "recent stories" and "top stories" and "new top stories" and more "recent stories" and they all seem to be one in the same until you click on them and it moves you all over the homepage.  Whatev.  Then there's a column with "lists" (that I don't have) and "apps" (that I don't have) and "favorites" (that I don't care about).  They put a "find friends" button next to my "home" button so every time I want to get back to my homepage I accidentally get a list of a million strangers I really don't care about, that Facebook thinks I should be friends with.  No thanks.  Plus there's all these new drop down menus with a bunch of random options like "subscribe".  Subscribe to what?  Do I win a Weepul if I subscribe to more friends than anyone else?  Why do I need to subscribe anyway, isn't it just enough that I'm a friend??

You know what, Facebook? You're dumb.  I realized a few days ago that I had 278 people whom I called "friends" and I barely speak to 10% of them.  I'm bad at keeping in touch with my close friends as it is so why do I need a bunch of relative strangers inside my profile, looking at my pictures and seeing my status updates?  Facebook, to me, is not a popularity contest.  (Tell that to the 12 year old girls out there or the people who need over 1,000 friends to validate their self worth)  Not interested.  Therefore, a few days ago I started deleting friends off my Facebook account in the hopes of having a lovely list of individuals who I do actually enjoy.  In doing so, I noticed I had 3 individuals who friend-ed me because I knew their friends....I had never even met these people.  WTF?  If you're still a Facebook friend of mine, congratulations....for now :)

I'm now down to somewhere under 170 and I'm shooting for around 100.  Shit, I barely care about (nor do I have time for) keeping in touch with 100 different people.  My friends know who they are, we have each others cell #s, email, they read my blog and/or I probably got together with them in at least the past 12 months.  Facebook friends are like pairs of jeans, if you haven't worn them in a year because you don't really like them, it's time to get rid of them.  Why do they even call them "friends"?  It should be "acquaintances" or for some people, "random people you met at a bar"....I had a few of those friends.

I understand the need for technology, and subsequently not getting left in the dust without it, but I really don't want to be THAT connected.  I don't want people to know what I'm doing at all hours of the day, I don't want to be reachable when I'm trying to relax at home, I don't want to have to answer to everyone, I just want to *be* sometimes.  At least with face-to-face interaction I can't abbreviate the shit out of the conversation, and there's no such thing as auto correct to totally screw up the context of your sentence.  What happened to good ol' fashioned conversations?  I want to laugh and not have it come out "LOL"

Don't even get me started on cell phones.  I don't care what the latest new gadget is because you'll just overpay for the luxury of owning it first and then in two months, it's irrelevant.....and we're not talking overpaying by $20, we're talking mini computer phones that cost as much my laptop.  Does it wash the dishes and do the laundry too?  Who care if you can get the internet if you need a damn magnifying glass to see the content!  If you live near the mountains, like I do, you won't even get service half the time.  Thanks for nothing, Verizon.  Every time you drop the electronic, it breaks because it's such a piece of junk.  Cracked phone screens that cost more to replace than the phone did in the first place.....highway robbery.  Plus, if you didn't bring your phone charger you're just S.O.L.  I can remember what life was like before cell phones....peaceful. (and teenagers were using correct English and complete sentences)

Computers are just as dumb.  If you accidentally open an email with a virus, you'll spend hours trying to fix it and $$$ bringing it to Geek Squad where they'll rob you blind.  When new operating systems come out, all your old programs and documents don't even work right anymore.  Anti-virus protection seems to remind you to renew your subscription about 3 months after you just renewed it.  Programs that run so slow you wonder if they're out back killing the cow.  Internet connections that sometimes work right and sometimes don't, for no apparent reason other than the wind blowing the wrong way outside.  Blue screens of death, nuff said.

Bad electronic #3: my PDA planner thingy.  I know, PDAs are old-school but have you not noticed yet that I resist the technology as long as possible??  Come on, I don't even have cable!  I digress.  I gave the thing one year of my life, trying to get used to using a stupid little pointer thingy or my finger nail,  only to realize that I hate putting events in there so instead I just try to remember the event and ultimately that's an epic fail.  My short term memory is that of an Alzheimer's patient.  My solution?  I was at Micheals craft store the other day and I bought a good ol' fashioned paper planner for $1.  Plus it's pink :)

At the end of the day, this energy draining junk is still going to be a huge part of my life so I'm going to deal with it.  In the meantime, don't be surprised if you call/text and I don't answer or you suddenly find yourself no longer my Facebook friend.  It's nothing personal, just me trying to simplify and get back to the more peaceful parts of life.  Now stop reading, get off your computer, plug your Bose wireless headphones into your 64GB Ipod Touch, sync your music library and go take a walk!

I can't wait to retire!

B and I just flew back from Florida on Sunday….and boy are my arms tired! Ba dum ching!  Ok, sorry, I just couldn’t resist. 

Anywho, Florida did not love me.  I came home with sunburn, weird scales on my face, another scabies-like rash, fire ant bites, mosquito bites, a tendonitis flare-up and a blister on my hand.  All that be damned, I still loved Florida.  The palm trees, the white sand, the warm sun, the old people riding around the ‘hood in golf carts….

Our gracious hosts were an awesome couple that B knew in Long Island.  They worked hard their whole lives and finally retired a few years ago in a 55+ community, south of Tampa.  Let me tell you about this little oasis they found:  beachy little one level homes, golf course, 2 pools, fancy gym, clubhouse, library, salon, various planned activities, kayaking club, boat club, restaurant, sauna, Bocce ball court, 2 tennis courts, driving range, curling court, everyone owns a golf cart (some more tricked out than others) and its all tucked away behind gated access.  It’s like Cheers, everyone knows your name….and everyone’s personal business and let me tell you, there’s a lot of d-r-a-m-a amongst the old folks.

We were there for five days and by the end of it, B and I were behaving more “retired” than the folks.  We went to bed first, woke up last, wanted naps in the middle of the day and I swear I was more forgetful and harder of hearing while down there.  The folks, on the other hand, were like little energizer bunnies.  I swear they put uppers in the water there.  Reminds me of my Ma and Pa, who have done something new to the house/yard every time I’m there, are in more clubs than a high school student, and travel more than the President.

Here’s a quick recap of our time livin’ the good life:

Day 1…introductions, catching up, drinks, golf cart guided tour of the ‘hood, all-you-can-eat sushi, drinks and some good ol’ Mexican Train.

Day 2…ocean kayaking in Lido Key, floating over an actual manatee, paddling through mangrove tunnels, a newly discovered fear of fiddler crabs (and subsequent panic attacks), a walk on the beach, a good book, candlelit dinner, snuggling by the fire….wait, I got diverted in a personals ad for a moment, back to day 2…steaks on the grill for dinner, drinks and watching baseball on the big screen.

Feel free to say, "Oooooo Ahhhhh"

Ok, who let me bring my camera onto the water again??

This is prior to discovering the fiddler crabs crawling all over the mangrove branches.  You would've been grossed out too.

That little black dot to the left is a guy standing in waist deep water about 50 yards out.  Awesome.

My horizon line is a little crooked but you get the idea

Day 3…boating through the river looking for gators (with no success), *This is the point where my camera battery died.  I discovered, back at the house, that I had packed the wrong charger so no more pictures.  Back in VA, I found out that I had the right charger with me the whole time, it was just in the only other pocket of the incredibly tiny camera case I had with me.  Story of my life* coercing me to drive the boat into Tampa Bay (never having driven a boat before), avoiding the 10 million floating crab pot buoys, maneuvering around the protected Manatee water, battling the strong winds and waves, going 35mph through a pelting rain shower, arriving home alive and in one piece, drinks, relaxing in the pool, homemade pesto pasta for dinner and salad with the world’s BEST homemade Caesar dressing, more drinks.

Day 4…French toast breakfast courtesy of yours truly, hitting golf balls on the range in 30mph winds (thank goodness the wind was going sideways but it made all our shots look awful….or at least I blamed mine on the wind), playing a few rounds of Bocce ball, drinks, finally reading a few chapters in my book, drinks, fantastic Greek restaurant (complete with dancing servers, flying napkins, belly dancing, being forced to stand up in front of the whole place and dance like the belly dancer…twice…Greek music, and being told I look like Jennifer Aniston.  Her ancestors are Greek, after all), drinks and a card game called Phase 5.  I came in 3^rd but at least I beat B.  Winning!

Day 5…church with the folks, a ridiculously oversized, yet delicious, brunch and, on our way to the airport, a quick trip into the Tampa Hard Rock Casino to get my souvenir shot glass.  Ok, quick is a lie.  This place was a disgusting maze of slot machines, all shapes and sizes, lights flashing, bells chirping, cigarette smoke everywhere, and Florida’s finest white trash in room after room after room, until you’ve spent nearly 20 minutes getting deep enough into the place to find the Café and buy the damn $9 shot glass.  By around minute 19 I was getting really agitated and ready to call in the Coast Guard.  The folks, on the other hand, were all entertained and eager to play a few nickels in the hopes of striking it rich.  After we all wasted some of our hard earned money *sigh* we stopped at the bar for one last drink.  That place was genius at sucking you in no matter what you went in there for.

Visiting the folks made me long for the day when I can say “shove it” to working for the man and buy myself a little place in the sun….not in Florida though, I don’t want my skin to resemble leather.  Retirement: only 7,800 more days to go!